Another year

I rang in the new year by lying in bed in the dark while listening to the fireworks going off outside. I honestly did not feel like celebrating. I was not invited to a party, nor did I want to watch the ball drop in Times Square. The same thing happened last year and the years before that, only with a new number attached at the end.

I'm not trying to be cynical. I've just been so bored with life lately, that nothing really impresses or excites me anymore. When I am alone at work and performing a task on "auto-pilot", I find myself deep in thought of being somewhere else. I suppose if I am bored, then I must be boring because even after I've tried to socialize, I still find myself alone most of the time when I am not at work or school. I sometimes wonder if people really do take my sarcastic remarks and playful teasing as spiteful, bitchy, and mean. Certain people just don't know how to handle that, and they end up thinking of me as a person that should be avoided. In all honesty, no matter how outspoken I can be, I still am a shy person. It's often difficult for me to approach people first, and I usually have to consciously push myself to be the initiator. I wait for people to approach me first, and when they don't it becomes just another missed opportunity.

I begin to think that maybe I am the only person who really knows the real me. I know all my faults, weaknesses, and strong points, and you know, I accept myself for who I am. I procrastinate; I am realistic, yet I can't help but also be idealistic; I am a perfectionist to a point, I like things to go my way (but I am willing to compromise), I often see the negative aspects first before the positive ones, and I strive for the approval of my peers. At the same time, I try to be myself as much as possible. I have hypochondriac tendencies, though I insist it's a result of an extremely vivid imagination. I get jealous. I tend to dwell on things I cannot have, and feel bitter towards the people who do have what I want. I would rather avoid confrontation even though I know that when I do confront my problems, I'll feel better afterwards. I have a passion for expanding my horizons. Not a day goes by that I do not think of Europe, exotic locales, and adventures I could be having right now instead of sitting in front of this computer screen. I think ahead and prefer to have a plan instead of just "winging it". I am not a naive person. I have survived hardships that most people my age should not have experienced in the first place. Because of these hardships, I believe that I am a stronger person, and I accept obstacles as they come.

I keep waiting for something better to come along to improve my life. If I wait too long, my life will pass before me and I'll regret not doing something when I could have.