Valentine's Day sucks

Almost immediately after Christmas, Valentine's Day gifts were already appearing throughout the store. I find myself curiously studying the pink and red-colored objects wondering about the people who would receive them from their loved ones. Then I begin to envy those people and mentally growl something about Valentine's Day being a total sham.

I told myself a few days ago that I would stop getting frustrated over not dating. (I also promised myself I would not drink coffee and stop procrastinating - haha!) I just think it's not fair how a lot of people have boyfriends/girlfriends and fail to realize what they have with them. They are totally undeserving.

Meanwhile, I am stuck out in the cold wondering what the hell I am doing wrong. Most of the frustration I feel is the fact that I do not attract attention from guys. Am I just not noticing it, or am I really that invisible? As shallow as it might sound, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if it's my hair, the numerous freckles, my nose, my teeth, my makeup, or my eyebrows among dozens of other things. I don't have low self-esteem, if that's what you think I have. I consider myself to be attractive both physically and personality-wise. The only thing I stress about is whether or not I am attractive to other people. I'm not looking for sympathy or ego boosters. I cannot help but analyze things like this over and over until I drive myself half crazy. I get nervous and shy around guys I am attracted to, I never make eye-contact, and ultimately I look like a damn fool.

Even though I subconsciously know that dating can be a drag, I still want to know what it's like to experience what so many others talk about. I am a virgin (I said I want to date - I would like to clarify that I am not eager to lose that yet), I have never been out on a date, and embarrasingly enough, I've never been kissed. Drew Barrymore in that one movie reminds me of myself - though I thank whatever divinity out there that I am nowhere near her character on the geek scale.

What upsets me the most is that I get ignored or blown off, and when it comes to friends as well. Just this past summer in Poland I met up with a guy I exchanged a few e-mails with on a Polish website (like myspace) in my town. I was not expecting to date him or anything; however, I was looking forward to having a friend, someone to hang out with. We walked around and talked for a mere hour before he took me home (he said he was going to watch a Euro 2004 match with his brother). I thought it went well. We seemed to get along just fine. Afterwards, I sent him an e-mail with my phone number so he and I could hang out later. He never answered my e-mails. When I tried to send him an instant message twice he ignored me. What the hell did I say or do? I wanted to know why he wasn't answering me, the fucking jerk. I dwelled on it for a few days, then eventually forgot about it. I don't exactly know what the rules for friends are in Poland, but in the United States, some people have enough balls to just tell the person that they really don't want to hang out with them.

I really should stop letting myself get frustrated over all of this. If I am meant to fall in love (or have a better social life too) I suppose it will come naturally. The question is... when?